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24 May 2003 - The day After.
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I miss him terribly already. Just hours ago, he was preening himself before the on set of non stop seizures. Before the onset of all these, he still was perching, eating, and tearing up newspaper and giving me kisses! How could this happen so suddenly?. Today, I feel nothing but anger! I want to scream, swear and rip apart everything infront of me! Im envious of all those who had birds who are living today even though they where sick like Austin, but never got the stage austin did last night. Why not my Austin? Why couldn't he have survived too. I know..........those why's don't help matters. I haven't slept in days, I haven't eaten in days and I don't think i've even said good night to my kids in days. But right now, I can't help but get overwhelmed. I've lost a precious bird not even a year ago....now austin and I can't for the breath in me, fathom losing another, and the thoughts of losing 9 more like this is unbearable. I try so hard not to allow my thoughts to go there, but its so hard when you look at your bird, he's playing, having a ball, eating, talking, pooping, sleeping, cuddling and never knowing if its the last time you'll see that. PDD is horrifying and this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, to us. It's a waiting game now. YOu just sit and wait, and wonder, and wait, and cry, and fear. I can't lose another baby. I just can't.
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24 May 2003 - A Murder In My Home
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To All, While I felt I did the right thing for Austin, I wish we had more time. I wished we found out earlier and I wished I knew all about PDD as I do almost every other disease right from the start. I don't blame myself.....but the pain is so unbearable because you can't help but feel if you *knew* you could have made a difference. *mabe*. Austin suffered no pain, no knowledge of passing to Rainbow Bridge. A very humane treatment is available, where we lay Austin down all snuggled in his blanket while Kept my lips on his body , letting him know I was there, a small mask comes close to his mouth and he inhales the sleeping agent. He drifts peacefully, without struggle, without knowing, just as if he was falling asleep , into a deep sleep. Once he is asleep deeply, then the injection. Austin was not at all aware, just asleep and flying in the sky like was meant to do. I sit here today, trying to make sense of the past few weeks. I don't dare go back and read, I just sit here and stare outside thinking and thinking and crying. It occured to me that the pain is not over, it may never be over. My nightmare has just begun. Our whole family, our whole entire feathered kids could at any time, any day be harbouring this horrid disease and NOT be telling me about it. As Austin didn't till it was too late. They feel Austin has been suffering and harbouring for a very very long time. PDD doesn't happen like one would think. It lives and breeds inside slowly, very very slowly it develops, so slowly that our babies are singing, talking, playing, pooping, eating and gaining weight,.....and this murderous disease is planning its attack behind the scenes and masking itself like a coward. It could take days, weeks, months , years, and then more years before this monster makes its move and when it does, it strikes with a vengence, no mercy is given. My house feels like a death camp. A torture chamber. You are paranoid, you pull apart each stool, one after the other desperately searching for signs of the enemy. Your mind plays tricks on you.*mabe* as you watch a bird perch in a different way you've never seen. Is it the enemy? Is it showing its face, just giving us a glance? Or is it coincedence. Just a cute little way your bird just discovered to sit. Too much water in a stool, leaves you feeling a gut wrenching feeling, twisting feeling of your own intestines, wondering..........is this it? Too many naps in day by a bird leaves you feeling sickened with worry. Is this the enemy preparing to start the war? You wonder if each hello, each "mommy come back", each " mommy i love you", each song, each whistle......is the last. The last time you'll ever hear it. You try to prepare your mind for the battle that might attack any of the babies you love so dearly, With disinfectant in one hand, a cloth in the other, you wash, you scrub and you do so with anger, wtih frustration, with the motions of causing harm and the intent to *kill* the enemy where ever your mind *thinks* it may be sitting, just waiting to latch onto innocent soul. It feels like you have a murder in your home. Lurking, hiding, planning one attack after the other till it is safisified it's murdered all its intended victims. You feel a strength to search the enemy out, hunt it down stop it before it takes another so precious life. But you can't see it. You can't smell it, You can't feel it. You don;t know where it is........where it's hiding or if its left your home and invading another. ' You feel keel bones 10 times a day, you watch food consumption. Is he/she eating too much? Or too little?. Too much can mean your baby is starting to starve and not recieving nutrition, Too little can mean the enemy has attacked in a different way that forces your baby to starve itself instead. The enemy shows no rules, no basic or simple pattern. It does not kill the same way with all its victims. It likes to keep the master guessing so it cannot be found. The Enemy is here........lurking, hanging out and laughing behind our backs. Just waiting for the perfect opportunity to take another life, and ruin many others. Who will be next?. When?. So i sit here and plan a war to find and fight the murderer the minute it rears its gross existance. Perhaps the enemy has me fooled as it might be working on its next victim, while the keepers only defence is a cloth and a bottle of disinfectant.
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24 May 2003 - Trying to Think Straight
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To All, Thankyou again. It's comforting to know all of you are here during this difficult time. I don't know where i'd be without my internet friends, forums etc. Probably starring at 4 blank walls. Anyways, I will hear from Dr. Taylor tommorrow and if not tommorrow then on Monday, to go over what speculations we can while we wait for tests to come back. Then we will know for sure. One good thing about something so horrible, is that if indeed this is what we think it is, then the rest of my babies won't have to endure as much stress when so ill. I know what to expect, what to look for and only a tiny bit prepared. I don't think anyone could totally be prepared for PDD. Today, I cleaned more trying to stay focused abit, and trying desperately to be "normal" around my birds. Greys are so much more sensitive I think, compared to my blue and Gold and senegal. Owen and Emily wanted nothing to do with food first thing, as before this morning, they would catch a glimpse of Austin while I fed him, then they'd try to get down and push the door open. Emily even flew UP from the floor to try to land on his special hospital pen. The 3 of them are so bonded and I believe today, Emily especially and owen mabe sensed Austin is missing. All Emily wants to do today is be on my shoulder, cuddle under my chin, refusing to let go and be on her cage or other areas. So, Emily kept me company alot today. Zack is acting strange. He is in what i would call" Guard" mode. Playing off and on etc, but is paying more attention to his surroundings and seems to have less interest today in any playing with mommy, petting etc. Zack was like this when we lost Dawson. I wonder if its the changes, the missing of a bird . Do you think they know? Someone is missing? Simon was himself all the way around, I think the only thing that would phase Simon is if i simply wasn't here. Bailey has hormones running right now, so she is *affection* mode, but seems abit tired today. It's been alot of late nights over the past few weeks. Did any of you experience your bird/s acting *strange* *still* after a loss of another bird, regardless if they played together or not.?
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